26 weeks pregnant. Baby #2 - Cassidy - is measuring as she should and her kicks are getting stronger by the day. Her increasing movement reminds me that I am pregnant and my mind often shifts to wondering what life will be like as a family of four.
When I imagine my girls growing up together and playing, my heart is full. I absolutely cannot wait for the giggles and the opportunity to see the relationship they'll build together. Despite the happiness this brings, my thoughts turn more worrisome when I think about what the first weeks and months with Cassidy might be like.
Don't get me wrong - I'm excited to meet Cassidy and to welcome her into the world. I'm simply scared and overcome with fear of reliving what we went through with Savannah - even if just in my own thoughts.
With Savannah, we didn't have a "typical" newborn experience. I was not able to breastfeed her, and we had to ask for permission to hold her, change her, move her - really, do anything with her. We spent 6 months in the hospital; the 10th floor cardiac unit became our home. While we knew about some of Savannah's medical complications before birth, we were hit with additional diagnosis after diagnosis in those first weeks and months. We almost lost her multiple times, and I remember feeling in those first six months both immensely protective of Savannah but also strangely distanced - almost as if my heart knew it would utterly shatter if it allowed me to love her so much and later lose her.
I can only dream of how Cassidy's appearance will differ from Savannah's. If all goes well, I'll be thrilled - but I will also be sad. It will be nearly impossible to not focus on the vast differences between my girls' deliveries and hospital stays as we adjust to life with Cassidy. I fear that my happiness will be overshadowed by the deep sadness of what I, Josh, and Savannah missed out on when Savannah was born. While it was relatively easy to push those feelings aside in the moment nearly two years ago, I do not believe I'll be able to push them aside as easily when I live firsthand a "typical" new mother experience.
As I hold Cassidy for the first time, how will I not be taken back to the short 5-10 seconds I held Savannah before she was whisked away - not to hold her for five whole days? How do I not fixate on the countless days after those I was not able to hold my own child?
As Cassidy and I figure out breastfeeding, how do I not think the hours I spent pumping, desperate to provide my first daughter with breastmilk and the breastmilk not being enough for her? How do I not feel like a failure all over again for only pumping for four months before my supply was nearly non-existent?
When family and friends come to see Cassidy, how do I not feel a twinge of hurt that they came to see this child but had not yet met my first daughter - not necessarily by fault of their own, but mostly due to us having to shelter Savannah from germs for so long?
When I hear Cassidy's loud cries, how will I not collapse at the sound, remembering that my first daughter still must work so hard to make the smallest of sounds over her trach? How will I not wonder what Savannah's voice might sound like if she didn't have her trach?
When I hold Cassidy skin-to-skin, how will I not be reminded that Savannah's medical complications ripped us of this privilege? How do I keep tears from streaming down my face as I wonder if Savannah will truly be bonded with us without such physical touch at such a crucial time? Have I done enough to make sure Savannah knows she is loved? Will I ever have done enough to make up for it? Will Cassidy inevitably feel more bonded to us because she could physically be nearer to us than her sister was?
I can only speculate what our first weeks with Cassidy will be like. I am scared of reliving the emotions I've pushed off while in "survival mode", and I'm even more worried that attending to these emotions and thoughts will prevent me from truly appreciating and experiencing our "firsts" with Cassidy. Only time will tell how I'll handle the immense emotions to come.