Savannah is my first-born. Mothering her has been my only experience of being a parent. As Savannah’s medical interventions have slowed down in frequency as we await her next heart repair, Josh and I have discussed the possibility of trying for another baby in the future. These conversations have sparked some (unexpected) intense feelings of anger, longing, and anxiety - feelings I typically wouldn’t discuss out loud. I'm still grappling with my feelings...and my questions....
I shouldn’t feel the need to preface any talk of having another baby with “we’re no where near ready” just to spare the feelings of others.
Why did I originally start this post off with these very words? Why does it make others SO uncomfortable to talk with us about an addition to our family? Are they hoping we don’t bring “another kid like Savannah” into the world? What makes her (and other children with medical complexities) less worthy of a life here on earth? Is it instead that I’m not worthy to parent a “typical” child? I long for Savannah to know the type of unconditional love and companionship that comes from a sibling. I long for her to have someone to turn to - someone close to her age that will always love and care for her. She deserves this.
I long for my child to know what it’s like to be accepted by a peer despite her medical complexities - someone who will see past her diagnosis to the amazing child she it. Where would we be without family? I shouldn’t feel the need to justify to others that we’ve had genetic testing done to determine the likelihood of our next child having CHARGE syndrome (in case you’re wondering, it’s a 1-2% chance). Why do I feel SO obligated to share something so very personal?
I shouldn’t feel the need to assure others that Josh and I are not carriers of the gene mutation that caused Savannah’s CHARGE syndrome. I shouldn’t have to make sure others understand that Savannah’s gene mutation was a spontaneous, chance occurrence. What am I protecting them from? What am I protecting us from?
I shouldn’t have to explain to family, friends, and acquaintances what they should already know about me - that I did EVERYTHING by the book leading up to and during my pregnancy...that I did not cause her syndrome. Why has almost every other mother I know with children Savannah’s age been jokingly (and seriously) asked when they’ll have another kid but I’m not asked the same? Do others feel like I did this to her...that I don't deserve another child? I see other moms who had their first or second child around the same time I did. You see, I’m SO acutely aware of these moms. I want so badly to connect with them, to find some common ground between my experience as a mother and theirs. That is so difficult when it’s incredibly easy to list all of the differences, and that those differences are so readily seen by them...and by me. Would having another child lessen the feeling of being so isolated? Would other moms feel more comfortable around me if I had a perfectly healthy child?
I long for the experience of a blissful, worry-free pregnancy - to be able to joyously prepare to bring a life into this world. I miss the ignorance I had in the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy with Savannah. I crave the feeling of excitement I felt immediately following my 20 week ultrasound and before I got the dreaded call from my OB/GYN the next day. I know in the pit of my heart that I won’t be granted a blissful pregnancy truly free of worry with any future children...but is it too much to ask of God to beg Him not to drag my heart through so much pain again?
I long for the experience of a “typical” parent - whatever that is. I know that despite how much I crave a “typical” experience, I cannot “un-know” what I know now. Why can't I worry most about how to juggle work and being a parent instead of when I will lose my child? I worry about what others will say about our family should we choose to try for another. I worry in particular that others may think we’re somehow neglecting Savannah by having another child. Having another child does not mean our first is being replaced. I wouldn’t trade my daughter for the world...I just wish I could change the world for her. I worry about my anxiety overwhelming me during a pregnancy and that my stress levels will affect our ability to get (and stay) pregnant. When will we know we're ready? How do I keep my anxiety at bay? How do I not put the baby at risk with the extreme stress I am under daily? I don’t know what the road ahead entails. What I do know is that I have a lot to process in the meantime. With time, patience, and prayer, I’ll believe I’ll feel peace about this in the future. Until then, I’m left to wrestle with the what if’s, why’s, and why nots.